How to improve self-esteem and confidence: what actually helps

Confidence and self-esteem are often treated as personality traits.

You either have them or you do not.

That is not a particularly useful way to think about them.

The HSE defines self-esteem as how you feel about your own worth and personal value.

Self-confidence is more about what you believe you are capable of doing.

They overlap, but they are not identical.

You can be confident at work and deeply insecure socially.

You can have healthy self-esteem while being a complete beginner at something and therefore not yet confident in it.

The practical implication is important:

confidence can often be built through action, while self-esteem usually requires changing the way you evaluate yourself.

What does low self-esteem look like?

The HSE notes that people with low self-esteem may:

• hide from social situations;
• avoid trying new things;
• avoid things they find challenging;
• compare themselves negatively with other people;
• criticise themselves heavily;
• rely strongly on other people’s feedback;
• feel less worthy.

Avoidance is particularly important.

If you believe “I will embarrass myself”, avoiding the situation gives immediate relief.

But it also prevents you from collecting evidence that you might cope better than expected.

That can turn low confidence into a self-reinforcing loop.

The confidence trap

People often tell themselves:

“I’ll do it when I feel more confident.”

But confidence frequently comes after doing the thing.

Think about driving.

Your first lesson does not feel comfortable because you lack evidence that you can drive.

After repeated successful experience, confidence rises.

Many other situations work the same way:

• speaking in meetings;
• going to the gym;
• meeting new people;
• applying for jobs;
• travelling alone;
• starting a class;
• setting boundaries.

Waiting for confidence can leave you waiting indefinitely.

A better target is:

do a small enough version of the thing that you can tolerate being unconfident while doing it.

Self-esteem is not the same as thinking you are amazing

Healthy self-esteem does not require constant positive self-talk.

It is closer to having a fair and stable view of yourself.

You can recognise:

• strengths without needing to be superior;
• mistakes without turning them into identity;
• limitations without treating them as proof of worthlessness;
• other people’s success without automatically reducing your own value.

That is less glamorous than “believe you can do anything”.

It is also more realistic.

Step 1: notice the internal rule

Low self-esteem often runs on rigid rules.

Examples include:

• “If someone dislikes me, there must be something wrong with me.”
• “If I fail, I am a failure.”
• “If I am not the best, I am not good enough.”
• “I should never make mistakes.”
• “Other people are naturally more capable than me.”
• “I need reassurance before I can trust my own judgement.”

Write down the recurring rule rather than arguing with every individual thought.

That gets closer to the mechanism.

Step 2: separate evidence from interpretation

Imagine you make a mistake at work.

Evidence: I made an error in this report.

Interpretation: I am incompetent and everyone can see it.

Those are not the same statement.

Ask:

• What exactly happened?
• What would I say if a friend did the same thing?
• Does one event justify the conclusion I am drawing?
• What evidence points the other way?

The goal is not forced positivity.

It is accuracy.

Step 3: stop outsourcing your self-worth

External feedback matters.

But if your view of yourself depends entirely on praise, reassurance or comparison, confidence becomes unstable.

Social media makes this particularly easy to fall into.

Someone else’s highlight reel becomes evidence against your ordinary Tuesday.

The HSE specifically advises against relying only on other people’s feedback or negative comparisons.

Try replacing comparison questions:

“Am I doing better than them?”

with process questions:

“Am I doing something I value?”

“Am I improving?”

“Did I behave in a way I respect?”

These produce a more stable basis for self-evaluation.

Step 4: build evidence through small challenges

The HSE recommends realistic goals and small steps.

This is one of the most useful confidence-building principles because confidence needs evidence.

Choose one area where avoidance has become habitual.

Then create a challenge that is uncomfortable but achievable.

For example:

Social confidence - say hello; - ask one question; - stay for 20 minutes; - invite one person for coffee.

Work confidence - contribute once in a meeting; - ask for clarification rather than pretending; - volunteer for one contained task; - request feedback on one piece of work.

Gym confidence - visit once at a quiet time; - learn three exercises; - follow the same simple session for two weeks.

Do not judge progress by whether you felt nervous.

Judge it by whether you acted despite feeling nervous.

Step 5: reduce self-criticism without pretending mistakes do not matter

Self-criticism often disguises itself as motivation.

“If I stop being hard on myself, I’ll become lazy.”

But there is a difference between accountability and contempt.

Accountability: I handled that badly. I need to apologise and do it differently next time.

Contempt: I always ruin everything. I’m useless.

Only one of those statements tells you what to do next.

Compassion-focused interventions have been studied as a way to improve self-esteem, although the evidence base is still developing and studies vary in quality.

The useful principle is straightforward:

talk to yourself in a way that makes improvement possible.

What does CBT say about low self-esteem?

Cognitive behavioural approaches to low self-esteem often focus on the relationship between negative beliefs, biased interpretation and avoidance.

A 2018 systematic review and meta-analysis of interventions based on Melanie Fennell’s CBT model found evidence that targeted CBT approaches can improve low self-esteem in adults.

The evidence base was not enormous, and treatment is not necessary for every episode of low confidence.

But it supports an important idea:

self-esteem is modifiable.

It is not simply a fixed trait you were assigned in childhood.

Therapy can improve self-esteem even when it is not the primary target

A 2023 meta-analysis of 19 randomised trials involving 3,423 adults with depression found that psychotherapy improved self-esteem as well as depressive symptoms.

The average self-esteem effect was moderate, although results varied substantially across trials and only a minority of studies were rated at low risk of bias.

That matters because low self-esteem can sometimes be part of a broader problem.

If you are also experiencing persistent low mood, anxiety or major impairment, treating the wider mental health difficulty may improve how you see yourself.

Can exercise improve self-esteem?

Possibly, but be careful with sweeping claims.

A 2025 meta-analysis found Tai Chi interventions improved adult self-esteem on average.

However, the authors noted that all included studies had either high risk of bias or some methodological concerns.

So the responsible conclusion is not “do Tai Chi to fix your confidence”.

Physical activity can still be valuable for mood, mastery, social connection and health.

But self-esteem is too complex to reduce to one exercise prescription.

Self-esteem and friendship

Low self-esteem can make social life harder because it changes how neutral events are interpreted.

A delayed reply becomes rejection.

A quiet conversation becomes proof you were boring.

Someone else’s confidence becomes evidence that you do not belong.

That can drive withdrawal, which then reduces opportunities to have positive social experiences.

If your confidence difficulty is especially social, our guide on making friends as an adult in Ireland focuses on repeated, low-pressure ways to build connection.

Self-esteem and overthinking

People with low confidence often replay interactions after they happen.

“What did they think?”

“Why did I say that?”

“Did I sound stupid?”

That kind of repetitive thinking feels like problem-solving but often produces no useful action.

Our guide to worry and overthinking looks at techniques such as worry postponement and CBT-style approaches in more detail.

A 30-day self-confidence experiment

Choose one domain.

Do not attempt to become a more confident person everywhere at once.

Week 1: observe

Write down:

• situations you avoid;
• predictions you make;
• what actually happens;
• how harshly you judge yourself afterwards.

Week 2: take one small action repeatedly

Choose one behaviour.

Do it three times.

Repetition is more useful than one dramatic challenge.

Week 3: reduce reassurance

Before asking someone “Was that okay?”, give yourself an answer first.

What do you think?

Then decide whether external feedback is genuinely needed.

Week 4: review the evidence

Look back at the predictions from week one.

How many actually happened?

What did you cope with?

What became easier?

Confidence grows when your brain updates its model of what you can handle.

When should you get help?

Low self-esteem is not itself a mental health diagnosis.

But the HSE notes that persistent low self-esteem can affect mental health and can be linked with anxiety and depression.

Consider talking to your GP or a mental health professional if:

• low self-worth is persistent;
• you are withdrawing from daily life;
• you avoid important opportunities;
• you feel hopeless or worthless;
• anxiety or low mood is significant;
• self-criticism feels relentless.

HSE Primary Care Psychology lists self-esteem among the problems it can support.

There are also free and lower-cost talk-therapy routes depending on your circumstances.

Confidence is evidence, not a mood you wait for

You do not need to wake up one morning feeling fearless.

You need enough evidence that you can act, make mistakes, recover and still be okay.

That evidence is usually built in small repetitions.

Self-esteem improves when you stop turning every mistake into a verdict on your worth.

Confidence improves when you stop requiring confidence before you act.

Both can change.